May 14, 2004

Can I Put You On Hold?

Ever have someone call you, and then ask to put you on hold? Sure is irritating! But when it happens, hide that irritation: this is opportunity knocking. It's best to agree to their request with a cheerful tone, and when you hear the line click off, cheerfully hang up on them.

The smart ones will get the hint and learn their lesson. "Hey, I called that guy and then put him on hold; that was a dick move. I feel really bad about that and will alter my conduct in the future." The other 99.5% of the population will call you back:

::ring ring::
You: "Hello?"
They: "Hello, I just called? We got disconnected."
You (Act innocent): "I know. I thought they fixed that! That seems to happen when people call in and then put us on hold. I'm glad you called back. So what can I do for you?"
They: "Well, I...."
You: "I'm sorry, can I put you on hold a second?" Hang up.

By now all but the dumbest and rudest will give up and leave you alone. But there are still those out there who either can't or won't help themselves: "Wow, disconnected twice! That's a really unreliable phone system...I'd better call back! They must be frustrated!"

::ring ring::
You (with fake Middle-Eastern accent): "Hello, White House switchboard, Hakamel speaking."
They: "Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong number...uh...well, that's strange...I hit redial!"
You (briskly, with Scandinavian accent): "We change this number on a regular basis, for security purposes. Please hold." Hang up.

The rude ones will give up at this point: clearly, you're the victor. You're unstoppable: they cower at your feet. But the dumb ones remain. They're too stupid to beat: their lack of intellect renders them invulnerable. So you have to entertain yourself. Pick up the ringing phone and put it next to your keyboard. Type loudly. If it's a cordless, bring it into the bathroom. Have a loud conversation with someone (imaginary, if necessary) about the complete moron who called and tried to put you on hold. Mock them mercilessly. Pick up the phone and tell them their haircut reminds you of a kid from the short bus. Then put it back down and cue up a porno movie at full volume.

If they're still on the phone after that, pick it back up and ask if you can put them on hold. Being put on hold is really irritating.

Posted by Chris at May 14, 2004 09:33 PM | TrackBack

I have thankfully never had that happen to me (yet, anyway).

Very nice, man :)

Posted by: Nabil at May 15, 2004 03:45 AM

Stupid telemarketers.

Had that happen, but before now did not have any fun games to play with the bastards.

Think I'll try that next time... ;)

Posted by: ehunt at May 17, 2004 09:23 AM

we're talking about people who are not ashamed to be assholes...they're telemarketers- nothing will work other than death.

Posted by: dana at May 17, 2004 02:30 PM

Gee, Mr. Ashcroft, death? Doesn't that seem a bit heavy-handed? Can't we just regulate their business into the ground? :P

Posted by: Chris at May 17, 2004 02:32 PM

ooohhh! there's an idea! or death- whichever.

Posted by: Dana at May 17, 2004 06:30 PM

Hey buddy what's up... oh wait something just came up... *click* la la la la la la (michael bolton's a fag) la la la la la la la *click* sorry about that so yeah what's up... *beep* hang on I've got a call on the other line *click*

Posted by: Tim at May 19, 2004 11:51 AM

sorry I couldn't resist ;P

Posted by: Tim at May 19, 2004 11:51 AM

Poor Michael! Hey, check it out:

Posted by: Chris at May 19, 2004 11:55 AM

I am sick as a motherfucker of being called a fag by every person on the planet- especially that bitch ass Kenny G.

You're all on my list.


Posted by: Michael Bolton at May 20, 2004 01:57 PM

Gee, Mikey, lighten up! Anyway, wouldn't you be more of a fatherfucker?

Posted by: Chris at May 20, 2004 01:59 PM

It happened to me. I was called, i picked up, and there was of course the silence for a while, then a couple clicks, and then...without anyone even asking if i could be put on hold, there was hold music. At this point i was pretty pissed off, so i decided to stay on the line to give them hell, like i always do. So after like 3 minutes...they fucking hung up!!! Which is why i got rid of my home phone.

Posted by: Adam at May 26, 2004 08:11 AM
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